The Professional Pain Carriers Association of Nigeria

Today’s essay is on people that want you to suffer quietly, with a covering smile
I want pretend to be Professor Victor S. Dugga, Ola Rotimi, Wole Soyinka and other very great Playwrights. I hope I get pass mark on this. Please don’t fail to call me and give my score on this. Don’t even bother whether your name is here or not, don’t even ask me of school fees which registered me for this examination. We shall discuss that one at the end of this drama.

Now back to the members of PPCAN, you ou know the kind of people I’m talking about.
They are members of a very exclusive, very judgemental club. I call it P.P.C.A.N. — The Professional Pain Carriers Association of Nigeria.

Membership requirement: You must be married, and you must never, ever complain. Just keep carrying your cross.

Scene 1: The Council of Elders
So you go to the elders. You are sweating, your eye is red, you haven’t eaten in 3 days because “someone” is serving you food like you’re a tenant in your own kitchen.

You: “Elders, please. For 20 years I have been carrying. There is no trust, no respect, no submission, no openness, no food, no peace. I think I need to take a break and breathe.”

Elder 1, adjusting his agbada: “My son, marriage is endurance. As a man, you must endure”
Elder 2, sipping a bottle of Coke: “The Bible says two cannot walk except they agree. So you must agree and walk together.”
Elder 3: “Do you want people to say your marriage broke? You mean you are planning to have a broken home? God forbid. Bear it. Even Job bore it.”

Me: “But Job’s friends at least brought him food. Nobody is bringing me even groundnut.”

All of them in unison: “You are a man. Carry it. Try more”

Scene 2: The Family WhatsApp Group
You finally cry out. One small text about your predicament: “This is too much. I need help.”

Bam! 87 messages in 2 minutes.

Aunty: “Why are you washing dirty linen in public?”
Cousin: “A man does not cry. Are you not the head?”
Brother-in-law that hasn’t visited in 15 years: “Pray about it and endure. God hates divorce.”
Uncle; ” No one has ever divorced in our family, both maternal and paternal side, do you want to be the first?

But when the same person posts “I’m tired, I’m traveling to Dubai to refresh,”
Everyone: “Yes o! Self-care is important! Take care of yourself king! ❤️❤️”

So they can go to Dubai to escape stress.
But you must go to the parlour to eat groundnut and reflect on your trauma and predicament, hmmmm.
For 20 solid years.

Scene 3: The Friend Intervention
Your friend: “Bro, are you okay? You look down.”
You: “I’m not okay at all. I’m dying slowly.”
Friend: “Ehn ehn, don’t say that. You have to think positive. Have you tried smiling like 5 times more? Maybe if you smile more, she will cook better food for you.”

So the solution to systemic and endemic disrespect, secrecy, unsubmissive attitude and emotional starvation is… Ok nah, dental hygiene.

And the moment you say “I’m done, I’m quiting”
Friend: “Ah! You are selfish. What about the children? What about what people will say? Are you okay?”

Sir, what about what I will say? Nobody is asking.

The Logic of P.P.C.A.N Members
Their rulebook is very simple:
1. You must absorb 100% of the pain. No leakage at all.
2. You must not express 1% of the pain. That one is “weakness and disrespect.”
3. If you break, it is your fault. “You provoked it.” “You are not prayerful enough.” “You should have carried it better.” “You must have been doing something that provokes her”. O my God.
4. They will not carry the pain with you. But they will carry your matter to council of the Sanhedrin, family meeting and 10 other people to discuss how you are “not carrying it well.”

They want you to be Jesus on the cross, but they don’t want to be Simon of Cyrene to help carry the wood.
They want you to be a sponge.
They want you to be a generator, making light for everybody while you are burning inside.

So what kind of humans are they?
They are humans that have watched too many movies where the hero suffers in silence and then, perhaps, gets an award at the end, or died suffering.
They are humans that think “peace” means “no noise,” even if the house is on fire.
They are humans that have confused “endurance” with “entombment.”

At best, whichever way or direction you take, they will blame you.
“You are too hard.” “You are too soft.” “You talk too much.” “You are too quiet.” “You have allowed it from the beginning”. O gosh.
It’s like being told the rain is falling because you forgot your umbrella at home 20 years ago.

Let’s try first conclusion here before the main conclusion
Look, I’m not saying quit. I’m not saying fight.
I’m just saying: can we please retire the P.P.C.A.N. membership form and look for something else?

Because a marriage is supposed to be a place of rest, not a national stadium where the whole community comes to watch you do emotional press-ups while they eat suya and shout “Carry am! Carry am well!”

If I must carry, let someone help me carry nah.
If I must bear, let someone bear witness that I am bearing.
If I must not cry out, then please, don’t shout at me for bleeding quietly.

Because honestly… what kind of stuff is this nah?

My dear, I feel you, I see you reading and smiling and even laughing. Sometimes humorous anecdotal presentations can be the a way to carry what vocal words cannot.

then think about it!

LET ME QUICKLY CLIMB THE PODIUM TO DELIVER THIS MESSAGE IN ANOTHER WAY
“CARRY AM! The National Anthem of Silent Suffering And Smiling, no, Suffering and Squeezing Face”
This One Is For Men Meeting, Elders’ Council, And Any Gathering of P.P.C.A.N. Members
You can call me for membership form, don’t worry at all, your own case is different, no hassles.

I’m walking to the podium now. I adjust the mic and look at all of you also looking at me. I Smile small and then, tap tap tap. Ok, the mic 🎤 🎙️ is working.

Good evening, Distinguished Elders, Fathers, Mothers, Audience and Members of
The Professional Pain Carriers Association of Nigeria… P.P.C.A.N.

I stand here today not to fight anyone.
I stand here today to… carry properly.

Because that’s what we do in this association, no be so?
We carry. Every burden. We must be men. Nothing short of this.

VERSE 1: THE APPLICATION FORM
To join P.P.C.A.N, there is only one requirement:
Be married.
And be ready to carry 100% of all the pain…
and express 0% of it.

Because the moment you say “This thing is heavy”
Aunty will say: “Shhh! Don’t wash dirty linen.”
Elder will say: “A man does not cry.”
WhatsApp group will say: “Pray about it and endure.
Those you trust will be disappointed in you and say, “hey, look, we also have our problems, don’t come here bugging us with yours. It’s your cross, carry it.”

But when the same person is tired,
They book Dubai. “Self-care is important!”
But Me? I should go to the parlour.
Eat groundnut, then sleep, no complains.
Reflect on my trauma.
For 20 years.
And smile or squeeze face.

VERSE 2: THE LOGIC
The logic of P.P.C.A.N is very simple:
1. Absorb all the fire.
2. Don’t make smoke.
3. If you burn, it’s your fault. “You didn’t carry the fire well enough.”

I went to elders and said:
“There’s no trust, no food, no peace. I’m dying.”
They said: “Marriage is endurance.”
I said: “Even Jesus had Simon to help carry the cross.”
They said: “Be Jesus.”

So I’m supposed to be Jesus on the cross…
but I’m also supposed to be the wood, the nails, AND the Golgotha hill? Habaaa
What kind of job description is this nah?!

VERSE 3: THE ACCUSATION
And the worst part?
When you finally cry out, they get angry at YOU.

“You are provoking us.”
“You are disgracing the family.”
“You should have suffered in silence like your grandfather.”

My own grandfather suffered in silence…
and died at 62.
But his marriage lasted 40 years!
So we clap for the marriage,
and forget the man. Toh!

BRIDGE: THE QUESTION
So I ask again, with respect:
What kind of humans are we?

We say: “Don’t quit, even with threats.”
We say: “Don’t be angry, even with provocation.”
We say: “Carry all the pain.”

But when I carry my pain to you,
You say: “Drop it. Don’t bring it here.”

You want me to carry on…
but you refuse to carry my cry.

LAST VERSE: THE RETIREMENT LETTER
Elders, I’m not here to break any home.
I’m here to beg us to retire this P.P.C.A.N. form. Let all of us just go for small holiday, recess, break, just something away from the creed of PPCAN.

Because marriage is supposed to be rest, so, let’s take some rest please.
We are not in a stadium where the whole village comes to watch me do emotional press-ups…
while they eat suya and shout: “CARRY AM! CARRY AM WELL!” “YOU MUST CARRY YOUR CROSS”.

If I must carry, help me carry.
If I must bear, bear witness with me.
If I must not talk, then don’t shout when I bleed quietly.

Because a sponge that absorbs everything…
will one day drip.
And when it drips, don’t blame the water. Also, don’t blame the sponge.

Thank you for your attentive listening.
May God give us wisdom.
And may God give us people that will help us carry.

Now, I drop my mic and go to sit down

Dear reader, I hope this message sits in your chest and any other part it should. Bye Bye!

I am Dr Frank Peter Ombugadu still on at least 3 People Every Day